Quotes All Al Bundy quotes sorted by rating

  1. It could be real like your wife's hair color. I know it's real, because it matches her moustache!
  2. Pretty women make us BUY beer, ugly women make us DRINK beer!
  3. Hello, Police? This is an emergency. Yeah, I'll hold.
  4. I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.
  5. Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got a half tank of gas!
  6. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself.
  7. Peg, I do like sex. It's sex with you I don't like!
  8. If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
  9. Let me tell you something about sharing: don't do it. Nothing good ever comes of sharing. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of it.
  10. That's what being a man is like : making mistakes and not caring.
  11. If God had wanted women to bowl, he would have put their breasts on their backs so we would have something to watch while waiting our turn.
  12. I'm not selling shoes for the money. I'm in it to torture fat women.
  13. I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date.
  14. Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job.
  15. It gets better each time as long as it's never with the same woman.
  16. Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.
  17. Don't put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat, we hate that. Besides it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat.
  18. Well, you see, ma'am, this is a pliant heel with a cork filling. Whereas you are a giant seal with a pork filling.
  19. Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?
  20. Synchronized swimming for women is not a sport. Mud wrestling for women is a sport.
  21. A fat woman clip-clops into the shoestore today and says: I want something I can feel comfortable in. So I said: Try Wyoming!
  22. Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.
  23. You know medium, the sizes between small and you!
  24. The best beer is the one that makes you forget about your wife! And usually is served in nudie bar... what a coincidence.
  25. Now, son, you've got two choices: you can get out, or, you can get the hell out.
  26. I was driving home... God knows why?
  27. These are sevens. The box says nine because well... lady, you're a nine. Now I can accept that. Why can't you?
  28. We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine.
  29. I hate my life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard.
  30. Love is not only blind but stupid.
  31. A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.
  32. Kids? Peg? Nobody at home? Thanks God!
  33. Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.
  34. Uh, family before you go, would you get old Daddy's shotgun and stand close together?
  35. Can you jog my memory? You know what jog is: That's what you do when the ice cream truck is pulling out.
  36. Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?
  37. I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married.
  38. It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?
  39. You see kids, it was a dream and you were replaced by two sixpacks in the refridgerator.
  40. Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy.
  41. A woman comes into the shoestore today, so huge she's protected by GreenPeace. She asked for a pair of sixe 4 so I asked if she'd eat them here or take them home.
  42. A fat woman walked into the shoe store today. She was so fat, she had three smaller women orbiting around her.
  43. It's amazing, the triplets sleep in one bed while your mother sleeps in three.
  44. Hey, you may notice that my house is tilting to one side. That's because Peggy's relatives are over there visiting. Six of them. Twelve if you count her mother.
  45. Where bucks are enough to see their stuff, at the nudie bar!
  46. Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.
  47. Ah, home sweet hell.
  48. Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials.
  49. This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week.
  50. Damn it, Steven, we're men. It's our god-given right to watch sports and smut.
  51. I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married.
  52. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.
  53. I should get a job on the bomb squad... then there will be hope.
  54. Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me make love to you.
  55. If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done.
  56. Kelly's in college? She failed lunch in high school!
  57. Let me explain. It's just like an elevator. There's a 2 ton weight limit on those shoes...
  58. Love, hate, what's the difference we're family.
  59. What was I thinking when I said 'I do' ? I'd already had sex with her so I didn't need that again.
  60. That was a great year for America. Ike was in the White House, women were in the kitchen, and guys like you were in the closet.
  61. Just say no to marriage.
  62. Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top.
  63. Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried?
  64. I'm a living example of how the brain really doesn't need blood to work.
  65. People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.
  66. Give me beer or give me death!
  67. Peg, you can nag, you can cry, you can whinny, bleat and moo, but I am never selling the Dodge.
  68. You've desecrated the toilet I call home!
  69. Health people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive.
  70. I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.
  71. I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.
  72. It must be your mother. Tell her I said 'oink'.
  73. I begged for the death-penalty but they insisted that I'd learn a lesson.
  74. We were going through the woods without suspecting anything when suddenly something big and cruel came out of a bush. I thought it was you Peg but it didn't want my wallet!
  75. This is a sex free house and by God it will be for the rest of my life.
  76. If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it.
  77. Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.
  78. Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?
  79. I don't have to go to sleep after sex. I want to go to sleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
  80. Women... can't live with them... the end.
  81. I welcome death.
  82. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.
  83. We haven't had any kids in over 10 years. I must be doing something right.
  84. Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.
  85. This wouldn't be a bad job if people didn't come in here.
  86. Revenge is great. It's phenomenal! It's the only thing that separates us from the animals. It's why I stay with your mother.
  87. Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.
  88. You gals want a ladies night? Try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man!
  89. A man's home is his coffin.
  90. If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men.
  91. If it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley.
  92. Marcy, the part with the cups goes in front.
  93. If you need me I'll be at the nudie bar.
  94. Four weddings and a funeral, where's the difference?
  95. Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it.
  96. We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over.
  97. Retirement is when woman marries, and man dies.
  98. For the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze your feet into a size 9 shoe, when I've should've eased them into the box!
  99. Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?
  100. If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me.
  101. Alright now, everybody... shoot me!
  102. Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.
  103. Oh Peg, I'm so happy I... I could shake your hand.
  104. Lets go! Last one to your house gets to sit next to my wife!
  105. Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?
  106. Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh?
  107. I will show him the same kind of respect that any father would show a 41 year old man who dates his teenage daughter.
  108. Take me to your finest bathroom!
  109. Every day I don't put the gun in my mouth I'm a winner!
  110. Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens' shoes.
  111. Your freight train of a mother lumbered in front of the TV set. By the time her entire body chugged by, it was morning.
  112. Hey, Marcy, what's holding the towel up?
  113. You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.
  114. I wouldn't rub your feet if a genee popped out of them.
  115. I work in a shoe-store and still I'm not happy to come home.
  116. The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep.
  117. You go home and tell your daddy you have the mail-man's eyes.
  118. Sorry mam, but unlike your mouth, we occasionally close.
  119. Peg, kids, get ready to torture me - I'm home.
  120. Let's face it, even if you were beautiful - like that girl on TV - I'd still ignore you. 'Cause your my wife!
  121. I'm gonna give this to the only one I truly love... me!
  122. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
  123. That 8-track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to a wife: an earlier, better version.
  124. I deserv to be punished, I married your mother.
  125. ...who cares, it's free!
  126. Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines.
  127. You know Peg, I hate it when your mother weebles down here for her little midnight snacks which last until... nine in the morning.
  128. Threats don't work on me... I've already been to hell.
  129. Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.
  130. Oh I see now, you're one of my wife's relatives. I never saw one standing upright before.
  131. Hooters, hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, hooters on a girl that's dumb.
  132. There is so much that I wanna say to you but there's a show coming on that I wanna watch.
  133. Let's rock.
  134. If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.
  135. I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?
  136. Why doesn't the world die?
  137. The last thing a guy wants to look at at the end of the day is a woman.
  138. I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you.
  139. Peg, me and the floorboards can't take your mother any more.
  140. Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.
  141. A stallion like me only comes around once a year.
  142. Standing here with my loving family, I wonder why I'm running from the axe.
  143. A skinny woman Olive oil's her way into the shoe store and asks me to find something to make her look sexy. I tell her it's gonna be a long time before someone that ugly comes and sits next to her.
  144. Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family.
  145. This cheese means more to me than both your lives.
  146. I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women.
  147. Milwaukee, That's the town they built around you mother isn't it, Peg?
  148. It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time.
  149. Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm clock should be?
  150. How would I know, I never look at you!
  151. It never quite the same when you're sober, is it?
  152. Sex before the match is out! ... Unless of course you can keep it secret from the wives.
  153. I left high-school, lost the will to live and here I am...
  154. Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman.
  155. We could always have another daughter, but as we both know, this is the car I'm going to have the rest of my life.
  156. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.
  157. In the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila: You got an old woman scared of rain.
  158. I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.
  159. 5000 bucks for a Barbie doll??? A real woman isn't worth that much.
  160. Look at them. They're happy. Not a care in the world. You think I'm gonna let that happen, after all the grief they've put me through?
  161. Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me.
  162. ...and no-one understands why I scream on the way home...
  163. Home, work, can a man have too much fun?
  164. I'm so hungry I could eat a vegtable.
  165. I'm married to a woman named... something.
  166. The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet.
  167. See honey, lawn sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. You know, you sell things so dumb that some bigger idiot would buy it. But the flaw on that theory is eventually, you will get to the head idiot. And you call her mom.
  168. Oh. life is good! But not for me...
  169. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Since I'm not home, I won't have to.
  170. Computers and women are ruining the country.
  171. I love you, Peg... Just kidding!
  172. They need us just as much as we need them. Why? Because we can do the job and you can't take a battery home to meet your mother.
  173. The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans.
  174. Greetings vultures! Your meal-ticket is here.
  175. I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me.
  176. I want boobies.
  177. No, ma'am. "Fore." is what you should yell when the shoe comes off your foot.
  178. In order for a house to be a home, only one can make the rules.
  179. Ah, who was the genius who let West Virginia become a state?
  180. Well, according to my research the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars.
  181. It's only cheating if u get caught.
  182. You may as well bore me with your problems...
  183. Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today.
  184. The American justice system works! Beat the crap out of people before the judges let them go.
  185. How about if I get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet.
  186. Remember our motto: We ain't got it.
  187. What's five million years in the scheme of the life of one man?
  188. Remember when I said that when we didn't have much that we could always look at the poor people less fortunate then us and feel better? Well... let's find a mirror.
  189. If he slept with you, he's the stupidest man on earth.
  190. It's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock his house.
  191. Honey... you're an idiot!
  192. I can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed!
  193. You know I never danced unless it was gonna get some sex for me.
  194. I'm so upset I can hardly eat this sandwich.
  195. Of cause my present lack of fait is understandable since your average parking meter makes more a day than I do.
  196. I've got two TVGuides. One on the table and one in the bath-room. I'm rich!
  197. I haven't showered in a week so I think I better get right to bed.
  198. That's a good one, God!
  199. Don't make me kill you on family-day.
  200. Where you see a breast and caved in a chest, at the nudie bar!
  201. Only one woman, too much time.
  202. Am I alone in hating the French?
  203. It's showbusiness. You don't need talent or brain.
  204. We are blood-Bundys. We are truly doomed.
  205. Am I truly nothing? Could the neighbourhood children be right?
  206. I've got a woman so lame that she actually thinks that when I groan during sex it has anything to do with her.
  207. $50? For a Dodge? What about my mental suffering? Oh, you say that's a major part of the $50?
  208. You pudding of a woman!
  209. Gee, none of my family was of any help to me, how unusual.
  210. Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.
  211. That's probably what it meant when my horoscope said "KABOOM!"
  212. Oh, if only a man could have two wives.
  213. Do I look that stupid to you?
  214. I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it!
  215. Oh, look at the starving children. Woah man, now we're having fun!
  216. Telling Al Bundy is just like telling the wind.
  217. Don't let these slits on my wrists fool you.
  218. I truly, truly want to die!
  219. Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake.
  220. May the shoe-business take you all!
  221. Kids, you never wanted to go to college anyway, did you?
  222. I'm afraid I may not know what cool is anymore.
  223. Where you see a thigh and blackend an eye, at the nudie bar!
  224. I blame it on TV myself.
  225. Where's my remote control !?!
  226. I want my TVGuide!!!