Quotes All Al Bundy quotes sorted by rating

  1. It could be real like your wife's hair color. I know it's real, because it matches her moustache!
  2. Pretty women make us BUY beer, ugly women make us DRINK beer!
  3. I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare.
  4. Well, I'd say it behind your back, but my car's only got a half tank of gas!
  5. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself.
  6. Well, you see, ma'am, this is a pliant heel with a cork filling. Whereas you are a giant seal with a pork filling.
  7. Peg, I do like sex. It's sex with you I don't like!
  8. That's what being a man is like : making mistakes and not caring.
  9. If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave.
  10. If God had wanted women to bowl, he would have put their breasts on their backs so we would have something to watch while waiting our turn.
  11. Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job.
  12. Let me tell you something about sharing: don't do it. Nothing good ever comes of sharing. Your mother and I shared a bed and nothing good came out of it.
  13. You know medium, the sizes between small and you!
  14. It gets better each time as long as it's never with the same woman.
  15. Ah, who was the genius who let West Virginia become a state? Recently added quote
  16. I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date.
  17. Don't put on a dress and ask us if it makes you look fat, we hate that. Besides it's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat that makes you look fat.
  18. A fat woman clip-clops into the shoestore today and says: I want something I can feel comfortable in. So I said: Try Wyoming!
  19. Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends?
  20. Now, son, you've got two choices: you can get out, or, you can get the hell out.
  21. Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life.
  22. Synchronized swimming for women is not a sport. Mud wrestling for women is a sport.
  23. Okay, Peg. I tried to use our ATM card, I stuck it in, it spit it out... and it laughed at me.
  24. Hello, Police? This is an emergency. Yeah, I'll hold. Recently added quote
  25. Well unlike sex with you Peg, this is important to me.
  26. I'm not selling shoes for the money. I'm in it to torture fat women.
  27. I hate my life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard.
  28. These are sevens. The box says nine because well... lady, you're a nine. Now I can accept that. Why can't you?
  29. Love is not only blind but stupid.
  30. We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine.
  31. The best beer is the one that makes you forget about your wife! And usually is served in nudie bar... what a coincidence.
  32. Kids? Peg? Nobody at home? Thanks God!
  33. Look at them. They're happy. Not a care in the world. You think I'm gonna let that happen, after all the grief they've put me through? Recently added quote
  34. A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife.
  35. I was driving home... God knows why?
  36. Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me.
  37. A fat woman walked into the shoe store today. She was so fat, she had three smaller women orbiting around her.
  38. Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy.
  39. It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know?
  40. Why pay for seat belts if you don't have brakes?
  41. It's amazing, the triplets sleep in one bed while your mother sleeps in three.
  42. You see kids, it was a dream and you were replaced by two sixpacks in the refridgerator.
  43. Where bucks are enough to see their stuff, at the nudie bar!
  44. A woman comes into the shoestore today, so huge she's protected by GreenPeace. She asked for a pair of sixe 4 so I asked if she'd eat them here or take them home.
  45. I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married.
  46. This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week.
  47. Hey, you may notice that my house is tilting to one side. That's because Peggy's relatives are over there visiting. Six of them. Twelve if you count her mother.
  48. It is okay to drive a gas guzzler if it helps you get babes.
  49. I should get a job on the bomb squad... then there will be hope.
  50. Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials.
  51. Ah, home sweet hell.
  52. What was I thinking when I said 'I do' ? I'd already had sex with her so I didn't need that again.
  53. Damn it, Steven, we're men. It's our god-given right to watch sports and smut.
  54. I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married.
  55. This is a sex free house and by God it will be for the rest of my life.
  56. Let me explain. It's just like an elevator. There's a 2 ton weight limit on those shoes...
  57. Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me make love to you.
  58. If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done.
  59. Just say no to marriage.
  60. Kelly's in college? She failed lunch in high school!
  61. Love, hate, what's the difference we're family.
  62. Give me beer or give me death!
  63. Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit-fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried?
  64. I'm a living example of how the brain really doesn't need blood to work.
  65. Marcy, haven't you ever got up in the morning and realize something was missing? Of course you do, you must when you open your pajama top.
  66. It must be your mother. Tell her I said 'oink'.
  67. That was a great year for America. Ike was in the White House, women were in the kitchen, and guys like you were in the closet.
  68. Can you jog my memory? You know what jog is: That's what you do when the ice cream truck is pulling out.
  69. We were going through the woods without suspecting anything when suddenly something big and cruel came out of a bush. I thought it was you Peg but it didn't want my wallet!
  70. Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex.
  71. If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it.
  72. Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell?
  73. You've desecrated the toilet I call home!
  74. Health people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive.
  75. No, ma'am. "Fore." is what you should yell when the shoe comes off your foot. Recently added quote
  76. If it wasn't for beer, there would be at least three people, who probably wouldn't be married - Me, Jefferson, and probably Lisa Marie Presley.
  77. I don't have to go to sleep after sex. I want to go to sleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.
  78. Women... can't live with them... the end.
  79. I'm jealous of everyone not married to you.
  80. People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.
  81. I begged for the death-penalty but they insisted that I'd learn a lesson.
  82. I welcome death.
  83. Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for.
  84. Revenge is great. It's phenomenal! It's the only thing that separates us from the animals. It's why I stay with your mother.
  85. Oh Peg, I'm so happy I... I could shake your hand.
  86. This wouldn't be a bad job if people didn't come in here.
  87. We haven't had any kids in over 10 years. I must be doing something right.
  88. Marcy, the part with the cups goes in front.
  89. Retirement is when woman marries, and man dies.
  90. Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself.
  91. If you need me I'll be at the nudie bar.
  92. Four weddings and a funeral, where's the difference?
  93. You gals want a ladies night? Try having it in the kitchen cooking for a man!
  94. For the last hour, I've been trying to squeeze your feet into a size 9 shoe, when I've should've eased them into the box!
  95. A man's home is his coffin.
  96. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back.
  97. Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border?
  98. If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men.
  99. I was dreaming you ran off with the dwarf down at the bookstore, and I was living in sin with a Playboy centerfold and her eight friends who could speak but chose not to.
  100. Take me to your finest bathroom!
  101. Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage?
  102. We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over.
  103. Something sinister's going on so I know a woman's behind it.
  104. If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me.
  105. Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home.
  106. Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell womens' shoes.
  107. Lets go! Last one to your house gets to sit next to my wife!
  108. Hey, Marcy, what's holding the towel up?
  109. I will show him the same kind of respect that any father would show a 41 year old man who dates his teenage daughter.
  110. Women should have three breasts - two in front and one in the back for dancing.
  111. Alright now, everybody... shoot me!
  112. The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep.
  113. Peg, kids, get ready to torture me - I'm home.
  114. Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh?
  115. I deserv to be punished, I married your mother.
  116. You're my wife. I will not talk to you while I have a TV.
  117. Your freight train of a mother lumbered in front of the TV set. By the time her entire body chugged by, it was morning.
  118. That 8-track is to today's stereos like what a girlfriend is to a wife: an earlier, better version.
  119. Let's rock.
  120. Every day I don't put the gun in my mouth I'm a winner!
  121. Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death.
  122. Those articles that say married couples have sex every month are just sensationalistic lies perpetrated on the public to sell magazines.
  123. I work in a shoe-store and still I'm not happy to come home.
  124. You go home and tell your daddy you have the mail-man's eyes.
  125. You know Peg, I hate it when your mother weebles down here for her little midnight snacks which last until... nine in the morning.
  126. I wouldn't rub your feet if a genee popped out of them.
  127. Let's face it, even if you were beautiful - like that girl on TV - I'd still ignore you. 'Cause your my wife!
  128. Oh I see now, you're one of my wife's relatives. I never saw one standing upright before.
  129. If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife.
  130. I'm gonna give this to the only one I truly love... me!
  131. Hooters, hooters, yum, yum, yum. Hooters, hooters on a girl that's dumb.
  132. There is so much that I wanna say to you but there's a show coming on that I wanna watch.
  133. Sorry mam, but unlike your mouth, we occasionally close.
  134. Threats don't work on me... I've already been to hell.
  135. ...who cares, it's free!
  136. Today is the first day of the end of your life.
  137. Why doesn't the world die?
  138. Standing here with my loving family, I wonder why I'm running from the axe.
  139. The last thing a guy wants to look at at the end of the day is a woman.
  140. Peg, me and the floorboards can't take your mother any more.
  141. Milwaukee, That's the town they built around you mother isn't it, Peg?
  142. I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here?
  143. I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you.
  144. Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family.
  145. This cheese means more to me than both your lives.
  146. A stallion like me only comes around once a year.
  147. I left high-school, lost the will to live and here I am...
  148. Okay, Santa will leave you a pony under your tree. But if it isn't there in the morning, that means your mommy chased it away and killed it.
  149. How would I know, I never look at you!
  150. 5000 bucks for a Barbie doll??? A real woman isn't worth that much.
  151. We could always have another daughter, but as we both know, this is the car I'm going to have the rest of my life.
  152. In the morning you go into the bathroom, a little blush, a little mascara and voila: You got an old woman scared of rain.
  153. I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women.
  154. Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm clock should be?
  155. Sex before the match is out! ... Unless of course you can keep it secret from the wives.
  156. I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet.
  157. It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time.
  158. Home, work, can a man have too much fun?
  159. It never quite the same when you're sober, is it?
  160. A skinny woman Olive oil's her way into the shoe store and asks me to find something to make her look sexy. I tell her it's gonna be a long time before someone that ugly comes and sits next to her.
  161. Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman.
  162. Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me.
  163. The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet.
  164. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Since I'm not home, I won't have to.
  165. I'm so hungry I could eat a vegtable.
  166. Oh. life is good! But not for me...
  167. The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans.
  168. Computers and women are ruining the country.
  169. See honey, lawn sales are based on the bigger idiot theory. You know, you sell things so dumb that some bigger idiot would buy it. But the flaw on that theory is eventually, you will get to the head idiot. And you call her mom.
  170. I'm married to a woman named... something.
  171. ...and no-one understands why I scream on the way home...
  172. In order for a house to be a home, only one can make the rules.
  173. I love you, Peg... Just kidding!
  174. I want boobies.
  175. Well, according to my research the cost of raising a baby from birth to college is approximately seven hundred and eighty thousand dollars. Thanks to my actually selling a shoe last week, I'm proud to say we're now just short seven hundred eighty thousand dollars.
  176. They need us just as much as we need them. Why? Because we can do the job and you can't take a battery home to meet your mother.
  177. Greetings vultures! Your meal-ticket is here.
  178. Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today.
  179. It's only cheating if u get caught.
  180. What's five million years in the scheme of the life of one man?
  181. You may as well bore me with your problems...
  182. How about if I get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet.
  183. The American justice system works! Beat the crap out of people before the judges let them go.
  184. It's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock his house.
  185. You know I never danced unless it was gonna get some sex for me.
  186. Of cause my present lack of fait is understandable since your average parking meter makes more a day than I do.
  187. If he slept with you, he's the stupidest man on earth.
  188. Remember when I said that when we didn't have much that we could always look at the poor people less fortunate then us and feel better? Well... let's find a mirror.
  189. Remember our motto: We ain't got it.
  190. I haven't showered in a week so I think I better get right to bed.
  191. I can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed!
  192. Honey... you're an idiot!
  193. I've got two TVGuides. One on the table and one in the bath-room. I'm rich!
  194. Don't make me kill you on family-day.
  195. I'm so upset I can hardly eat this sandwich.
  196. You pudding of a woman!
  197. It's showbusiness. You don't need talent or brain.
  198. We are blood-Bundys. We are truly doomed.
  199. Where you see a breast and caved in a chest, at the nudie bar!
  200. That's a good one, God!
  201. Am I alone in hating the French?
  202. Only one woman, too much time.
  203. Gee, none of my family was of any help to me, how unusual.
  204. $50? For a Dodge? What about my mental suffering? Oh, you say that's a major part of the $50?
  205. Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.
  206. Oh, if only a man could have two wives.
  207. Am I truly nothing? Could the neighbourhood children be right?
  208. I've got a woman so lame that she actually thinks that when I groan during sex it has anything to do with her.
  209. That's probably what it meant when my horoscope said "KABOOM!"
  210. Do I look that stupid to you?
  211. Telling Al Bundy is just like telling the wind.
  212. Oh, look at the starving children. Woah man, now we're having fun!
  213. Don't let these slits on my wrists fool you.
  214. I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it!
  215. I hope one of these bills is for a coffin, because your shopping is killing me. Recently added quote
  216. Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake.
  217. Where you see a thigh and blackend an eye, at the nudie bar!
  218. May the shoe-business take you all!
  219. I truly, truly want to die!
  220. I'm afraid I may not know what cool is anymore.
  221. Kids, you never wanted to go to college anyway, did you?
  222. I blame it on TV myself.
  223. Where's my remote control !?!
  224. I want my TVGuide!!!